I have been feeling very irritated this past week. Nevertheless, I have been doing my meditation and cold showers, and anything that could possibly help me get out of this funk.
Mindfulness helps, but I do love the artist’s prayer from the book “Artist’s Way”.
You imagine giving all your irritation and everything that worries you to god/creator/universe and open your heart to everything that you want to receive, and through this, you let go of control and allow the universe to take care of you.
So yesterday, I decided, I really need to do this, because just focusing on my breath was not bringing me peace of mind. I did the visualization and I felt relaxed, and then I went on a bike ride.
…….. and that’s when I fell..
Thankfully nothing bad happened, just a few scratches here and there. I wasn’t trying to let go of the handle bars, or do anything crazy, I wasn’t going fast either, I just reached back with one hand to fix my shirt and lost control and…fell.
So afterwards I thought: I just trusted the universe and I fell on my ass.. great.. this is what happens when you trust god, you fall on your ass, but later I had an epiphany. Well, if you let go of control and trust universe, you have to trust whatever comes and what comes might not always look good to you or be easy, but it’s what you need at the time. Sometimes you need a slap in the face to snap out of your ego!
I don’t know if I fully understand why I needed to fall, but I will tell you this much. If this fall had happened before I was being mindful and working on myself, I would have immediately cried, yes, even as an adult I would cry because that was just an automatic reaction for me, then I would feel embarrassed and scared to ride my bike again. I would definitely never ever try to let go of the handlebars.
But, that’s not what happened.
I got up, a little shocked at first, as to why, even though I am so mindful and spiritual (haha..), this happened, then this nice guy came and helped pick up my basket from the ground and put it back, and I thanked him and jumped back on my bike, and a little while later, tried to let go of the handlebars, just to see if I still had the courage!
I have continued to ride, and will continue. I did have some fears initially. I thought: What if I had fallen in front of a car? What if (when I have a baby someday!) I put my baby on the bike and fall while riding? What would happen to the baby? What if I have an accident? What if someone is texting and is looking down and comes to the bike lane and hits me?
All kinds of worst case scenarios played in my head. I told my husband: what if we had a baby and I had the baby on my bike and we’d fall? He said: If you think like that, you wont be able to go out the door!
What he said really resonated. I could think of a million terrible things that could happen in my mind about anything and everything, and paralyze myself by doing that. Instead, I decided I will do what I want and need to do and if the worst case scenario happens, I will deal with it then, just like how I have dealt with many unimaginable scenarios.
Like loosing a loved one. You can not imagine living without them, until they are gone. Then, despite what you want to believe the first year, you find a way to live without them.
You can never imagine how you will deal with a situation until you are in it. Being in the present moment and fully aware gives you exactly what you need to handle anything that comes in the best way possible.