Man…today makes me want to just give up!

Unlike yesterday, which was a day of epiphany, today was horrific. There is a jewelry piece Iย have been working on forever. First I melted a part of it twice, then after remaking the melted piece for the third time, I decided to change the way I was connecting them. Then after all the pieces were connected I proceeded to set the stones, this is after days of work, and 10 hours of work just today. Bad idea!! ย I should have just went home while I was ahead.

Well I set the stone but the bezel cups were soldered together, so I thought why not just saw them apart… hahahaha.. wow.. I mean genius!! so after all the trials and errors and mistakes and finally raising the fine silver to set the stones in it, I fucked up the bezel setting.

At this point I had spent 12 hours in my studio, on this stupid piece which wasn’t going to work, at least not today!

I just feel exhausted, and helpless. Why couldn’t just work? Why? I worked so many hours on it..

I was being a perfectionist.. I wantedย to use a thin wire with balled up ends to connect the bezel cups together, well the problems was that the the wire would ball up, but would not ball up all the way, it left a gap between the bezel cups, but I wanted them snug to each other. I was doing this to two pairs of bezel cups that were going to all be worn together. Well the wire balled up snug for one pair but would not work on the other pair..

I thought the gap looked unintentional, and it would be weird if this pair had a different connection. So after literally trying to ball up the end 30 times or more, (the balled up end would sometimes just fall off), I decided to connect them by just soldering them together.

However, when you are soldering bezel cups, you have to make sure the top part of the bezel doesn’t get soldered to the other piece, otherwise you can’t set the stones properly, well, since at this point I was frustrated, and “just wanted to get done!” i rushed, and did not take the cautionary measures, and hence the bad connection of the bezel cups and the fucked up setting.

I just wanted to be done!!! that’s all!! I was so tired of working on the damn thing! I had made my own super fucking high step bezels.. made a piece with a hinge and a bezel, and these four pieces were just waiting to connect…

makes me want to quite…

That’s the thing though… I shouldn’t have pushed it, I had planned to start a new piece, but got too caught up on the end result and didn’t enjoy the process anymore! I hated every minute of it.. and that is sad because I have been really enjoying going to my studio..

When my goal becomes about selling the piece, I want it to look perfect, and when that becomes my focus, it usually never comes out perfect, and I hate the whole process, but then when I don’t make it to sell it, I think “what’s the point?”

What is the point?

To enjoy myself.. express myself.. learn..

What kept happening today was that I kept imagining my piece at the crits at school. Crits were just shitty.. You would spend hours and days on a piece, and people would tear it to pieces in the matter of a few minutes.. The better you were at looking “intentional” the more of a chance of survival..

Sure constructive criticism can be useful but crits are only constructive when you learn to love yourself and your work first.. you have to have self love, and confidence in your work before you can take a crit as constructive.. I certainly did not have that back in school, and clearly still need to work on it today..

This is the piece in it’s planning stage:

stupid piece

I was making something similar to number one.

Anyway. Not sure what to do now.. Need a break..

I am going to do something nice for myself.. and move on!